Tell me what you want, what you really really want

For the first time in my life, I don't know what I wanna do with it. Haha it sounds dramatic, but seriously, I really don't.

It's about work. I've always wanted to be a journalist, right. I think everyone who knows me knows that. Well at least I thought I did. Here I am now, working in a consultant office. And when my six-month contract is done, I should start looking for a job in the media, right, as to pursue the so-called dream.

But nooo, I signed another contract, and this time it's one whole year. Now in theory, I can look around for other jobs; my boss is even aware of that, and she understands. And I have found a few vacancies; I even got an interview with one of the biggest media empire in Indonesia, although I haven't been contacted yet.

However, that's it, yknow. I don't have anymore desire to apply. None of those vacancies...appeal to me that much. So now I'm not so keen about my current job, yet also not motivated to look for another one.

Hidup susah mati tak mau, if you will.

I keep thinking, if I want to be a journalist, I gotta start somewhere. Most likely in local media, which means pathetic cash. Call me sombong, but the average salary of fresh-starters in local media doesn't meet my living requirements. Therefore I have to start looking for a spot in international-scale media, which is very hard as they don't recruit random people that often.

Sometimes, that leads to the question whether I still wanna be a journalist or not. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll end up good in the consultancies world. Or even better, climb myself up in the mining industry. Rory Gilmore always wanted to go to Harvard since she probably could read, but you see, she ended up in Yale. And it wasn't bad at all. Plus, she met THE boyfriend of the century, Logan.

Back to the topic. So now, there's the dilemma of staying in a boring job I don't really like but pays me good, or start my supposedly dream career with poor payment. Or maybe I want a time off to think.

It's really weird, I thought I got it all mapped out, yknow. I thought I was the "ambitious" one who knows what to do when she graduates from college.